The Naive Series: Rediscovering My Inner Child Artist

I did it. I finally released my first ever painting collection.

This blog records exactly when I voiced this dream and this desire to be an artist as an adult: October 12, 2020. The truth is, even after that declaration, and even though I had the time and the resources, I was still experiencing some resistance; I still wasn't getting into the studio. Something was holding me back.

Apparently, as a kid, I was always drawing on the walls of my family's rental home, and even though I got in trouble, I would still do it. I’m told that the walls in my sisters' room were my canvas of choice. It was so bad, they eventually had to change the lock in order to keep me out.

Photo credit: my friend’s, Sarah Scott’s, mom

As I found myself paralyzed between wanting to paint and some invisible force restraining me from actually doing it, I wondered to myself where that little girl had gone. Unlike my adult self, who tends to be very compliant and a rule-follower, she had been kind of rebellious. She would have had no problem with getting into the studio. In fact, she would’ve reveled in it because she had spent every spare moment drawing and creating.

I was convinced that if I could rediscover that little girl—that little girl who looked at a blank piece of paper with glee, with excitement at the possibilities—she could guide me past the unseen barrier.

So I made that my goal: to find her and let her out through painting. I channeled her and put aside my unnamed fears and hang-ups. I pulled out all the canvases I had squirreled away over the years, realizing that I hadn’t touched them because I didn’t think I was good enough and didn’t want to waste money or materials. I had subconsciously believed that everything I made had to be a masterpiece to be “worth it.” No wonder I had been resisting painting before!

As I sought to do as my inner child artist would've done, the resistance dissolved. The voices of practicality and judgment quieted down, and I went to town. I put aside a final result, any end product, and started to doodle with no intention other than to enjoy myself. Being in the studio became a fun adventure as I simply followed wherever the marks and the flow took me.

See the video version of my story below:

Admittedly, at times, it did feel incredibly aimless, and that seeming aimlessness brought about restlessness and anxiety. “Is this going anywhere?” I wondered.

In one instance, hope revived when I showed my paintings to a friend of mine and explained the process I had been following. She told me that when her 3-year-old daughter draws, she doesn't start with any specific idea in mind. She just starts to scribble and after a while she looks at her drawing and asks herself, "Hmm, what does this look like?" Hearing that was like finally being able to remove my N95 mask once outdoors and breathe in the fresh air fully and deeply with ease. I thought, "Okay, I feel like I'm on the right track here." (Funny how as an adult I need to feel like I’m “on track” and how difficult it is to just do something indefinitely with no other goal than to enjoy it, isn’t it?)

Step by by step, I moved forward, tapping into that inner child artist, that little girl who just loved to create. Some of the canvases became something, and others were put aside, until I had six paintings ready to be called a collection and something inside of me said, “Yes, I’m done.”

Though I didn’t begin with any specific images in mind, in the end, each painting reflects some of the most honest outward expressions of my inner self I’ve ever shown to others. I suppose that’s no surprise when I was letting my intuition guide me.

I've titled this collection The Naive Series for two reasons. First is that naive art is an actual style of art that is recognized and is typically created by people who don't have classical training, which I relate to. The second reason is, as I've shared, these paintings have been all about uncovering my inner child artist and really (as I came to see) about putting aside the definitions that I had picked up over the years of what it meant to be good or beautiful, or what was worth my time or what was productive. Through painting them, I’ve come to remember the joy of creating just to create and how to enjoy the process as an end in itself.

What about you? When’s the last time you simply meandered with no obvious goal and let joy infuse your soul? As we move from childhood to adulthood, we are confronted and battered by challenges, disillusionment, and heavy responsibilities. We are jolted out of naïveté and dumped into the cold sea of reality. However, I believe joy is still there for us if we choose to open ourselves to it. Sometimes it’s more about believing that we’re still allowed to.

I hope that you can connect to my story and can connect to my paintings and maybe even through them, tap into your own inner creativity and your own inner joy.